Anyone else ever get sick of hearing this phrase when your kids were little? There were days (especially when I was a single mom) where I thought to myself, “What I wouldn’t give for these kids to be able to do anything on their own!”
I was having a conversation with a friend who has much younger kids than my own and I became the person who used to drive me nuts. I said, “Cherish it while you can because it goes so fast.” Ugh. Who even am I?!
I’m a mom. That is who I am and that is who I have been for the past 18 years (my daughter is 17, but I became a mom the minute I found out I was pregnant). It is so easy to lose yourself during motherhood. One day you are the version of yourself you’ve always known, excited for what is ahead. The next, you become a version of yourself who no longer matters or is secondary (at least that is how it often feels) but excited for their milestones and future.
I am not saying that mothers don’t matter. I am saying that we lose ourselves in becoming a mom. We become entirely different, entirely focused on another human being. We go from taking care of ourselves to carrying the weight of another life in our arms and on our shoulders. It is a lot.
It is beautiful and a gift, but it can also feel like a curse some days. Please, don’t get me wrong, being a mom is far from a curse. But when you feel alone and lost, like your only goal in life is to procreate, put your feeling aside, and care for these little lives, it is hard to not ride a line of guilt and frustration.
Fast-forward to their teenage years. My oldest child is starting her last year of high school and my youngest is starting his first year of high school. I’ve spent so many years not remembering who I am that these beautiful souls have become my entire self (and I mean this in the best way possible).
I cry almost daily when I think of what little time I have left. I went from being frustrated to their inability to do the tiniest thing to now wishing I could still do the tiniest thing for them. I miss them being entirely dependent on me because every step they take toward independence is another step out of the safety of my selfish arms.
I am so excited to see what life has for them and to watch them grow, but I feel like part of myself is leaving with them. Who will I be when they are gone? I went from being terrified that I wouldn’t know how to be a mom to terrified that they will no longer need me.
Feeling useless is lonely feeling.
But, mommas, we are not useless. Our babies will always need us. They will always be our babies. I am attempting to look at the next chapter of my life (after both my children graduate) as a way to find myself again so that I can be an even better, more well-rounded version of myself for the adults that my children become.
The prompt I’m answering was something about “what is a time you felt like an adult?” and this is one of those times I feel like I’m an adult but also reverting to a child who is learning to let go and grow. As my kids grow up, I must branch out. Self-discovery is a beautiful thing. I am going to push myself to become excited for where my life will take me while I pray for my kids’ journeys as they start their paths.
I may not be starting out in life, but it kind of feels like I’m starting over. A fresh slate. A new page. A blank canvas. Who will I choose to be?
To my babies: Sometimes the words of others say things that my heart can’t formulate into words. Please take this quote as a message from the innermost part of my soul where you both will always reside:
“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” -Robert N. Munsch
Love you, bye.
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